Festivisties and jolly things

So i’ve not written on here for weeks now which is a good thing because it means i’ve been very happy! :D
Spent so much time with my family and friends and tommy. But also at work alot.

I was totally spoilted over christmas by my family and tommy. Mum even got us a DR WHO TOUR ROUND LONDON WHICH WILL BE AMAZING.


but reality is now kicking in, even though i go to work, it just feels like normal, however Thursday is my exam so ill be back in York then. Tommy is leaving for Huddersfield for good this time ( he’s been going and coming back ‘cos his Morrisions needed him) then im back in york in a few weeks time!
just doing a spot of revision, but thought id do a quick update. 

I’m going home

one more week and I’m going home!
got a few assessment that’s I’ve got to hand in then work in Saturday. so that on Sunday my daddy can fine poblano me up. yaaaay!!
just hope I can get it all done. haven’t really done much today and feel a tad guilty but I had work so I wS tired after. but not anymore, now I’m wide awake.

Christmas time

been round the Christmas market in York with tommy today! it was jam packed with people. Clair and Gary came too and we had a lovely day out!
tommy was wonderful and we had a really nice day, shame it had to end.
I try not to think about him going when he leaves. I know that doesn’t make seance but I kind of pretend he isn’t going.
had my little sad moment for half an hour and then I was fine!
wrapped all his presents up and now just in bed smiling to myself because I’m so happy.
speak soon x

Happy Days

tommy was so so so so so nice yesterday when he came round!
he face when he kissed me, oh agent seen that in a while but it was that look and it made me so happy because I thought I was losing him!
we had a fab day yesterday, well I thought so anyway. shopping and dr who and dinner; lovely :)
felt ever so anxious all day though, think was the thought of him leaving. I didn’t cry, I had a lump in my throat but I didn’t cry!
Uni is getting a bit better to be honest. wish me and tommy could live together next year, we spoke about it but both know it would be way too much.

I really do love him, everytime I see him I just get butterflies and he’s the first person id go to in anything. I trust him with my life if I’m honest.
that’s love right?

speak soon x

reading week with not much reading

had a fab week at home, made me not want to come back to York even more!
woke up Monday morning in York with this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing I was back here.
i seemed to be fine being away from tommy but being at home.
but here I just get dead clingy again. it’s just this place it’s not good for my health.
it’s one in the morning and you probs don’t think that’s late. but I’ve got a 9 o’clock lecture so I should be sleeping but I can’t.
I can’t cope with tommy not saying night, it’s a simple thing?
I’m pretty sure everyone else in long distance relationships round here and all my friends talk more than we do, all I want is a little chat before I go to bed, can’t see why it is that hard. :( even my flatmates says he’s being abit of a dick, makes me feel stupid that I’m going out with one?!
Tommy is meant to be coming Sunday but he hasn’t mentioned anything and I’m not going to say anything. so I doubt he will come now.
LOL I just can’t cope I’m so over thinking everything. he sent me a message saying. ‘grow old with me’
BUT I DONT KNOW IF HE MEANS IT?! I can’t hack it. wish we could just sit down and have a proper talk, but I don’t want to ruin our physical time together and it’s not right arguing over text!?

I’ve now got 3 weeks to write my essay, Kate finds essays easy but I’m not a fan :( they make me sad and I like to put them off as much as possible!!
I’ve got loads to do I just keep leaving it, which is bad. but I’m sad so it justifies..
that’s a lie, I hate that I’m weak, I’m weak like mamma dot. I want to be strong like mamma jean and mum and Richard. I don’t want this anxiety to take over. but it is and I don’t know how to control my emotions?!
I like people to so things for me, I’d love for someone to take my emotions from me?! I’d like someone to do my work?!
I’d like to just have a job and be done with it.
I’m not sure if I can do great things? I’m not sure if I’m a good person?
I was a good person, a nice person.
but jealous anxiety and overthinking took over my life.
I was such a happy person.

Long drive home

Drove home after work last night got in for 22:45. dad was very impressed apparently doing it in the same time as him.
I slept over at Tommy’s too last night but mum wasn’t very happy about that, but this was the only time I would see him.
The thing is, and I know I’m moaning a lot, but he’s being really awful to me. now I’m not saying I want to be showered with gift, nor to be told that I’m beautiful and amazing every two seconds. but I would like to be appreciated and not to be bullied all the time.
We spend little time together, so our time is precious but he doesn’t see it that way.

the thing is, he doesn’t miss me, or anyone in fact and that’s so hard to come to terms with this fact. the fact that he is perfectly fine living his life on his own really. ITS SO FUCKING AWFUL.
He really upset today, but I seem to be the one apologising all the time.

speak soon x